UGH

Dear John:

May I call you John? Thanks.

Look, John, I'm going to be frank with you. There are certain facts that most people--particularly those who control things like the armed forces and a rumored red button in a briefcase--are expected to know. Top of the head, off the cuff kind of stuff.  Your name, for example, and place and date of birth. Your wife's name. Your birthday, her birthday, and your kids' birthdays. Your social security number, long as it may be.

You seem good with those. Problem is that you should also know at any moment how many homes you own. If The Donald can keep track, you should too, yes? Hemming and hawing and telling The American Public that someone will get back to them with that one...that's not good, John. That makes everybody wonder if you can possibly relate to Most Of Us, and it starts rumors of dementia. And you're not a young man (71...that's another one you should commit to memory).

That Obama guy, well, all sizzle and no steak, you see? But he has lots and lots of sizzle. It's made him famous. Charisma was invented for him.

You need to take over the steak part, John. Be the steak. 

Learn the numbers. Familiarize yourself with your own life. Get to know some other people's lives too, while you're at it. Or at least get yourself one of those Bluetooth thingies and hook the other end to some advisers, so they can pour the answers in between your ears instantly if necessary. It worked for Dan Rather all those years, you know?

We--and that's The American People "we"--aren't so sure about you yet. You've got that weird hand thing going on that nobody talks about and your wife looks like she was inducted into Madame Tuassad's years ago and isn't aware that she is, in fact, made of wax.  Yes, you're a bazilionaire. And congratulations on that--capitalism is a wonderful thing and God bless you for your success. But in an era when a whole lot of regular folk are losing their homes and blaming the government and big business for it (and I agree with you, but that's a whole 'nother argument. Let's not get distracted.), not knowing that you own more than a half-dozen residences valued at more than $1 million each...that's not good. Really, seriously not good. It's a PR nightmare.

Know the numbers, John. Seriously. That crap'll kill you in November.

Love ya,

The Republicans.

ps--Ixnay on the old white guy for your veep, 'K? Just a tip.