Naughty Realtors

I've gotten pretty good at reading real estate ads the last couple of months. I've learned that Realtors have their own language, and that with a little practice, you too can translate it to English.

1. Anything "sweet" or "cute" or "cozy" is tiny. Move along.
2. Anything "convenient to everything" is on a busy road and/or in a more-urban neighborhood that we suburbanites might like.
3. "Original features" means outdated. Ditto for "rare opportunity."
4. "Eat-in kitchen"s usually aren't unless you mean standing over the stove. Or, they've sacrificed counter space to smash a table in there.
5. "Reduced!" translates to "formerly (and quite possibly still) overpriced."
6. "Upper brackets" is pretty clearly "you can't afford it, peasant."
7. "As-is" means "wreck."
8. Any ad with a picture that doesn't show much side yard of the house means there's something offensive where that side yard should be. Might be a highway, might be a school or church, might be a prison. There's something there that isn't another nice house. And contrary to what listing agents seem to believe, you most definitely will notice it when you actually go to tour the property. Duh.
9. "Cul de Sac" is dead end. And seriously, get over it. Ain't nothin' wrong with a simple dead end.
10. Ads that claim houses are in "North [town X]" or "South [town Y]" are generally very close to those towns, but in less desirable neighborhoods than those towns actually present. Around here, it's North Potomac. That's Rockville, boys and girls. Perfectly nice, but not Potomac in the cache department. (And Wheaton is quickly becoming "upper Silver Spring." Not the same. At all.)

So those are my lessons. I'm sure there are more coming as the search progresses. This house looking business is brutal.