Finding Me

DH was away most of this week on business. And while we miss him when he's gone, the kids and I (OK, mostly me) take the opportunity to live a little lazier. We watch movies after dinner. I don't feel like the place needs to be in order by 6 p.m. And I get the remote all to myself.

I've told you guys that I'm making some changes in my life. I'm kicking out toxicity--food, relationships, habits. Part of that has meant pulling back from some relationships that make me work too hard and bring me stress and grief. Significantly pulling back.

It's been going well, truthfully. I've reached out to some new acquaintances with positive results and my stress level is down from not worrying so much about the other folks. I'm not snapping at my kids as much and we have all this time that wasn't there before.

But after the kids went to bed last night, the silence around here was deafening. And I started falling back into old habits--wondering why so-and-so doesn't seem to give a crap that I've fallen off the earth, pondering why thus-and-such didn't call or email me to see how I was doing even though she knew I was sick the other week...that sort of thing. "What's so wrong with me?" kind of stuff.

So I poured myself a glass of red wine, popped in "Love, Actually," and just felt sad for awhile. Shed a few tears, moped around, pouted, and let myself feel it all.

And today, I feel so much better. What a catharsis. I'm looking forward to getting to know some new people and I'm thrilled to have reconnected with an old friend I hadn't really seen much in awhile. I've made some great plans with my kids for the next few weeks--plans that I would have invited the other group to join me on last year, but that we're gladly exploring on our own this summer--and I'm reading a fantastic book about finding oneself and deciding what's important in one's own life. For the first time in a long, long time, I'm meeting myself and valuing myself and putting me first for awhile.

It's going to be a great journey. :)