If I Only Had a Brain

The first emergency of the day happened at 9 a.m., when my daughter put on her Crocs to go outside and play.

"MOOOOOOOMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Yet another rendition of the shriek herd 'round the world. I took off for the kitchen expecting blood, or at least a large insect somewhere in the room.

"My jibbitz!!! It's GONE!"

You know Jibbitz--those little charms kids wear on their Crocs. Seems my beloved princess is the only one in the world who can spontaneously lose one.

We searched the house. We scoured the back yard. No Jibbitz. It was a cute one too--a yellow sunflower. And it was already hotter than Hades and we were all a bit antsy, so I threw everybody into the car for a jaunt to Hallmark, the Jibbitz capital of the free world.

They pondered the bins, my little Crocs-wearing beasties. Another shriek, this one in delight, when the girl found another yellow sunflower. And then she found Cinderella, and the boy found Superman. And I'll admit, I found a chocolate lab who looks darn cute on my own rubber clogs.

So we dumped them on the counter and paid. $11.77. For the four little charms.

I started wishing I'd invented charms to fill the holes in plastic shoes. I mean, the lady with the Jibbitz patent is raking in the bucks right now. Planned properly, I bet that money could last her the rest of her life. Ditto for that freaky blonde perky chick who made the first Baby Einstein videos and then sold out to Disney. And whomever invented those Bumbo baby seats that sit tiny infants upright, eerie as that is.

I also wish I'd invented holey rubber clogs, come to think of it. And wooden trains with creepy faces and human names, and little tiny dolls with snap-on clothes and shoes that are nothing more than vacuum cleaner fodder. If I'd only thought of marketing superheroes whose only discernable difference from one another is the color of their shirts, or princesses who are essentially helpless without their men but who look darn sparkly in their ball gowns and smile like there's no tomorrow. I'd be a very wealthy woman.

Dang, I wish I was smart...